One day, I know things will be better with my daughter. At least that is what I hope for. I guess if I think about this not being a possibility, then it would break my heart. Artist girl continues to fight her demons and in the meantime, she shuts out those of us who care most about her in the world. She told me a while ago that she is tired of disappointing me. I don't think she understands that she is not the disappointment; rather it is some of the choices she has made. Of course, I have told her this but at this point in her life she is not ready to let me in.
She was supposed to come over for her dad's birthday. She never did. My last communication with her was on Tuesday. This morning I went online to check our phone records to see if she had used her phone. The last time she had used it was late Wednesday afternoon. Mom's, you know how we are - I have been thinking since last Wednesday something was horribly wrong.
She finally sent me a text message today wishing me a happy mother's day. She told me she didn't want to come over because she didn't want to answer questions about what has been going on. She's been stressed. This sends off the alarm bells in my head because I know what her past behavior has been when she experiences high levels of stress. However because she's twenty and considered an adult, there is not a damn thing I can do.
When your child is small and they hurt themselves, you can help to make it better. As a parent when you nurture your child, kissing their boo-boos, you feel good about being a parent. That extinct to help your child does not magically disappear when they reach adulthood. Instead of having a feeling worthiness, you feel helpless and hopeless. I am helpless to help her unless she wants me to help her.
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4 comments:
I feel for you. I'm glad you found out she's okay. Since Wednesday is a long time when you're worried.
I'm glad that you did hear from her. I know how terribly hard it is for you to watch her struggle.
I've been thinking that being that age is harder than any other age. Technically at that age, people are considered adults, but it's still new, and the pressure is high to do it right--whatever that means. And then if you have other issues...I'm beginning tho think at that age, most people have a hard time. I don't know. My thoughts are with you to hang on--and her, too.
I heard or read somewhere that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. That is so true--my sons are all grown but I still worry about them and am effected by each inkling of trouble or sadness. I'm sure it's especially hard when they have 'issues'.
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